You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
