just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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