what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
