Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
