pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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