He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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