My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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