so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
