how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
