i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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