How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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