i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
