There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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