Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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