He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
