She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
