i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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