my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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