Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Still dying that you shit outside
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
