someone threw a dead crab at me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
