My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
