hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
