i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
