Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
