The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
