wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
