I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize