if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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