No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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