I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
