Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
