genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh god it's open bar.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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