Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
