his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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