I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
