he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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