He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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