you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize