the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
