just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
