why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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