Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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