So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
