Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
