Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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