I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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