Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He passed out mid-signature
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
