Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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