I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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