life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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