cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
