Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
