i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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