So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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