i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
