Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
