omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
