one might say we're banned from that church
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
