you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
