yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There r osticjed everywhere
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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