Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
