I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
