SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
