Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
