PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
where does the pee come out of this thing
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize