I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
