just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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