I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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