Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Gay?
German.
Pity.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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